The danger of ‘should’

Treat a man as he is, and he will remain as he is. Treat a man as he could be, and he will become what he should be.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
1803 – 1852

A few years ago, I went to my primary care physician for an annual check-up. My doctor is part of a group from a teaching hospital, so he has access to my records from other specialists in the group. As he was reviewing my medical history, he said, “It’s been 14 months since your last eye exam.”

I braced myself for a lecture, but he simply asked if there was any history of glaucoma in my family. I replied that I didn’t know of any.

He said he wished his eyesight was as good as mine since I obviously had no trouble with my vision. But he did mention that glaucoma gave no warning signs and could only be detected by an exam. Then he said, “I wouldn’t wait too much longer before getting your eye exam.”

I was surprised that he wasn’t more insistent. Since I felt very comfortable talking to him, I asked why he hadn’t given the lecture I’d expected. His answer contained a valuable lesson.

“Years ago, I would lecture my patients sternly: lose weight, stop smoking, get more exercise — you name it, I could lecture about it. But I learned something. No matter how much I lectured, it didn’t change their behavior. In fact, I’ve since learned that my lecturing probably made it more difficult for them to do what they really should. Part of our continuing education program has taught us to avoid being preachy with patients. More often than not, it backfires.”

He was right. As I thought about it, I realized that a lecture about the eye doctor would have made me defensive. I would have offered up an excuse and felt justified in my behavior.

We often try to help our friends, co-workers and family members when we see them doing something that’s not in their best interest. We often start this conversation with “You really should…” Whenever you begin a conversation that way, remember that it’s probably not going to have the impact you want.

My suggestion is to avoid moral imperatives. They generally don’t work and the person often reacts by doing the opposite in order to maintain their personal autonomy. Instead of cutting back on their drinking, they want to prove they can handle it. Instead of getting out of the unhealthy relationship, they’re more committed to proving they can change their partner.

Be very careful when telling people what they should do. It might not work out the way you’d like.

Wise men don’t need advice. Fools won’t take it.
Benjamin Franklin
1706 – 1790

Copyright © 2022 John Chancellor