Many receive advice, few profit by it.
Publilius Syrus
1st Century B.C.
Human nature is a funny thing. When we discover a new truth or helpful habit, we can become too enthusiastic about sharing our new-found wisdom with others. We’ve all encountered this behavior: the reformed drinker who suddenly wants to convert everyone they know to a teetotaler, or the overweight person who gets obsessed with healthy eating and wants others to be just as vigilant. These people can be annoying or even downright obnoxious. While they mean well, their efforts aren’t always appreciated and the results are often the polar opposite of what was intended.
I recently read about a young woman who had instituted two rules for helping others in her household. In her book, An Amateur’s Guide to the Pursuit of Happiness
The rules are simple but very profound:
1. We only give help when it is asked for.
2. We help those who first try to help themselves.
Just think about those rules for a minute. If you don’t offer unsolicited help, you’ll save yourself a lot of time, energy and frustration, because you’ll no longer be trying to save people who are not ready to change. And when you’re asked for help, verifying that the person has already attempted to solve the problem will reassure you that they’re serious about finding a solution.
This very simple approach contains a lot of wisdom. I love the idea of using these two rules and I’m going to make a real effort to incorporate them into my life.
If you share these rules with your circle of friends and family, you’ll be doing yourself a big favor. Then, when someone offers unsolicited help, you can politely state that you aren’t looking for assistance at this time. Just be prepared for a similar response if you offer advice that wasn’t requested.
If someone does ask for help, your first question should be, “What have you already tried? What were the results?” If they don’t have a good answer, suggest they try to find a solution before seeking help.
Give some thought to these rules. They’ll certainly help create some important boundaries in your life. And they’ll make the advice you do give more useful.
We give advice, but we cannot give the wisdom to profit by it.
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
1613 – 1680
Copyright © 2024 John Chancellor
I love seeing how you’ve interpreted our household rules and made them your own. It’s funny, because yesterday my husband said, “we don’t help people who can’t help themselves!” and I was quick to point out “won’t – not can’t,” and I was reminded that there are a bunch of people outside of our family hearing our words now. 🙂
Great! My friend Maggie always used to say, “I don’t DO advice and criticism, only insight and suggestions.”
And it’s great to pass on our experience and what works for us.
Thanks!
diana