Setting expectations

Never idealize others. They will never live up to your expectation.
Leo Buscaglia
1924 – 1998

Recently, I went to my doctor for a routine physical. Part of the exam involved giving a blood sample for testing. As the nurse prepared to stick me with the needle, she said, “This is going to hurt a bit. Okay?”

I wondered to myself if she understood the purpose of her comment. So I asked if she knew why she informed patients what to expect. As it turns out, she’d never given it much thought; it was simply what she was taught to do. I explained to her that the closer our expectations are to reality, the fewer disappointments we have in life. All she was doing was setting expectations.

After I left the office, I continued thinking about setting expectations. In general, the medical profession does a good job of setting expectations. They’ve learned that the closer the patient’s expectations line up with what actually happens, the more accepting the patient is of the situation.

On a more individual level, there are occasions where the average person does a fairly good job of setting expectations. For instance, if someone invites you to dine out with them, I find they generally try to give you a good idea about the type and quality of food, the ambiance, and the prices.

But there are some areas where we do a very poor job of forming realistic expectations. When there’s a wide gap between reality and our expectations, we generally suffer frustration, disappointment, or some other emotional pain.

Here are some areas where I believe most people do a poor job of setting expectations:

Romantic relationships. Far too many people enter into these relationships with overly optimistic expectations. When reality catches up, there’s severe disappointment and emotional distress.

Jobs/career. We tend to think that everything about our work will be enjoyable, or at least pleasant. This misconception leads to high levels of stress and disillusionment about our career choices.

Friends. We often assume that our friends will agree with us on every subject. This belief is eventually dispelled by realty, often causing hurt feelings and confusion in the process.

So what’s the answer? I see a pattern. We tend to do a good job of setting expectations about everyday, unimportant things, but when it comes to key areas of life, we tend to be overly optimistic. We make far too many assumptions that things will always work out the way we want.

I have yet to see any marriage that didn’t have some problems. I’ve never seen a job where there weren’t unpleasant tasks to be done. And in every friendship I ever had, eventually there were some areas where my friend and I didn’t see eye to eye.

Disappointments are a way of life. Plan on them. Be prepared for them. Don’t expect life to be all roses and no thorns.

Be realistic. You’ll be much happier as a result.

Expectation is the root of all heartache.
William Shakespeare
1564 – 1616