Things themselves don’t hurt or hinder us. It is our attitudes and reactions that give us trouble.
Epictetus
55 – 135 A.D.
Have you ever had one of those days when it seems like anyone or anything can get under your skin and put you in a foul mood? Recently, I was talking with a regular client. As soon as he got on the phone, I knew something was wrong, so I asked what had him upset. He explained that his adult (but still very dependent) son had made an unreasonable request: the son wanted him to buy a new, expensive piece of camera equipment. My client suggested some less expensive alternatives, but his son got angry and resorted to his usual behavior whenever he failed to get his way: he stopped communicating. As a result, the father was feeling out of sorts.
I asked him if he wanted to learn the two rules about bad moods, which I had learned from psychologist and author Dr. Roger Allen.
The first rule is, “You are the only person who can put you in a foul mood.”
On hearing this rule, my client immediately objected. “I didn’t put myself in a foul mood. It was that [ colorful adjective ] son of mine that put me in a foul mood.”
I gently explained that we have no control over the behavior of others. No matter what someone else does, it’s our reaction to their behavior and the meaning we assign to the situation that causes the shift in mood.
I realize this concept is extremely difficult for many people to accept. When we’re feeling fine and someone says or does something that causes us problems, we feel justified blaming that person for our mood shift. But you really need to stop and think about this concept. I admit, it took time for me to see the truth in this rule; you have to open your mind and consider the idea from a different angle. We can control our emotions. We can choose how we respond to the behavior of others instead of reacting instinctively. We have a choice.
The second rule is, “You are the only one who can get yourself out of a foul mood.” Again, it requires a lot of soul searching to see the wisdom here, but consider the case of my client. He felt that his son was being disrespectful and ungrateful by rejecting his attempt to make a reasonable compromise. Yet my client could have considered that he had done his job as a father: he had tried to find a solution that was within his means to provide. He had done his best and shouldn’t allow his son’s behavior to diminish that fact.
We all like to think that the other person needs to change, to apologize, to mend their ways or take some action. But we have no control over others. If you wait for other people to change, you’ll be waiting a long, long time. But you can change the way you view the situation. When you change your perspective, you can improve your mood.
I don’t expect you to embrace these two rules immediately. As I said, it took me some time to internalize these ideas, and there are certainly moments when it’s hard to remember them. But I do hope you’ll give them the serious thought they deserve. It’s very liberating when you realize you can take control of your mood.
Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms–to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.
Viktor Frankl
1905 – 1997
Copyright © 2023 by John Chancellor