You always do what you want to do. This is true with every act. You may say that you had to do something, or that you were forced to, but actually, whatever you do, you do by choice. Only you have the power to choose for yourself.
W. Clement Stone
1902 – 2002
When I ask most people if they think changing one word could change their lives, they disagree; they invariably say something like, “There’s no way. Changing one word won’t seriously impact my life.”
But let me share a story to illustrate how powerful this concept is. Several years ago, I was working with a young man to help him improve areas of his life and business. We started off strong, but after about two months, I noticed that our progress had slowed almost to a stop. When a person fails to make progress, they typically become frustrated and terminate our coaching sessions.
So I began to examine this man’s behavior more closely. As he checked in each week to report his progress, I heard one phrase repeated far too often: “I couldn’t work on the assignment this week because I had to _______.” Week after week, he continued to make excuses, saying he “had to” do other tasks.
After I’d heard this expression used in several sessions, I introduced a new ground rule. I told him he could no longer say “I had to” do a task. Instead, he must say “I chose to” do it.
When you say “I had to,” you assign control over your actions to some other person or authority, and with that control goes responsibility for the consequences. We feel that if we’re doing something we have to do, then we have no choice, and if things don’t work out, it’s not our fault.
When I explained the new rule, he was quick to protest. He hadn’t done what he had committed to do because his boss had assigned an extra project and he had to work overtime. I gently explained that he had a choice and he exercised that choice. Now, I understand that if he’d refused to work overtime, he might have lost his job. But the fact that he chose to work overtime indicates that keeping his job was more important to him than his current goals — and while there was nothing wrong with that choice, he needed to be honest with himself about his priorities.
Over the next several weeks, the young man gradually came to see that he did in fact have a choice in what he did and did not do. Once he acknowledged that he had a choice and took responsibility for his decisions, he made amazing progress.
The next time you’re in a conversation with a friend or relative, take notice of how often the phrase “I had to” comes up. Also notice how many times you use it.
Too often, we use the words “I had to” as an excuse. I invite you to change “had” to “chose”. The more you acknowledge that you have control over your choices and take responsibility for those decisions, the better your life will be.
Life is a sum of all your choices.
Albert Camus
1913 – 1960
Copyright © 2022 John Chancellor
As a healthcare professional, I have had the opportunity to learn a lot about the use of Motivational Interviewing in my work. One of the strategies in this method of communication is ’emphasizing personal control.’ When speaking with my patients about behaviour change, I would often say to them, ‘this is your decision.’ Or ‘it is up to do to decide what is right for you.’ I love what you have written here, it really made me think. We have and make our choices, and we need to take responsibility for these. Thank you!
Tania,
Thanks for your comment. If you have not read the book Motivational Interviewing- Helping People Change by William Miller, I highly recommend it. It requires a bit of effort to read. Miller was the founder of the Motivational Interviewing movement.
John