You have undertaken to cheat me. I won’t sue you, for the law is too slow. I’ll ruin you.
Cornelius Vanderbilt
1794-1877
I know you’ve seen movies and TV shows where one person acts unjustly towards another. The victim is often shown glaring fiercely at the offender and saying, “I’ll get you for this if it’s the last thing I do.”
We all understand the concept of getting back at someone. And we also know how damaging it can be when people let the desire for revenge consume their lives.
If revenge can do so much damage, what about the opposite of revenge? Can it do enormous good?
This lesson isn’t about revenge, but about its opposite. If more of us recognized the tremendous benefits we could obtain through the opposite of revenge, we would all be better off.
First, what is the opposite of revenge? If revenge is getting even for something someone did to you, the opposite should be paying it forward: doing something good for someone else when you have no reason to do so. And despite the no-strings-attached nature of paying it forward, we typically reap a benefit anyway. It comes back to the principle of reciprocity: when someone acts kindly or helpful towards us, we want to return the favor. And more often than not, the favor returned is much greater than the original one granted.
Let me give you a couple of real-life examples.
You may remember the Hare Krishna Society. Years ago, their members worked the airports and gave unsuspecting travelers a flower. They basically stuck the flower in the person’s hand and said, “This is a gift from us.” Then they asked for a donation. Even though most of society had very negative feelings about the Krishnas, people still felt compelled to give them a donation: they felt obligated to reciprocate for the gift they were given.
Another example is the Disabled American Vets. They send you return address labels and ask you to send back a donation — in other words, they give you a gift and then ask for one in return. And a large number of people feel obligated to send a donation. Taking this approach more than doubled their response rate, and the strategy has since been adopted by many other charities.
It’s a common marketing tactic to give someone a token gift, which makes them feel obligated to purchase something of much greater value. In the above examples, people usually knew they were being manipulated, yet they gave more than the value of what they received. If it works when the recipient knows they’re being manipulated, think what will happen when you give with no expectation of return.
People have an inborn desire to keep the score even. When we think someone has cheated us, we naturally want to exact payment. And when someone does us a favor, we want to return that favor.
So what exactly does this mean to you?
If you want more in your personal life, you should utilize the principle of reciprocity. Do you want more love, friendship, admiration, respect, or material possessions? Then give more first. It will be returned many times over. Whatever you treasure, learn to give it away; under the principle of reciprocity, even more will be returned to you.
It’s very important to remember that you aren’t giving with the specific intent of receiving anything in return. That’s what marketers do, and it works well. But if you want even more, give authentically, without the expectation of reciprocity. It will happen automatically. You won’t get it from everyone you give to, and sometimes it won’t come from the original recipient. But if you truly learn to give with an open heart, you will be blessed with abundance.
You can and should give some of your resources to community and charitable organizations when you can. One of your greatest resources is your time and talent. Learn to give of yourself. Your gifts will be returned with interest.
So take a look at your life and decide if you’d rather get ahead or get even. For me, the decision is simple: I’ll leave getting even to other people.
You cannot get ahead while you are getting even.
Dick Armey
1940-
Copyright © 2024 John Chancellor