So what?

There is nothing good or bad, but thinking makes it so.
William Shakespeare
1564 – 1616

When I was a child, there was one expression I remember hearing quite often. I really didn’t like to hear it, which may be why it stands out for me.

The expression was “So what?” When I’d done something I thought was important, my playmates would use it to bring me down a notch. Conversely, my mother would use it to try to cheer me up when I came home feeling low. It was much more effective as a mood killer than a mood lifter; when my playmates used it, it really took the wind out of my sails, but when my mother tried to cheer me with it, it didn’t work that well.

As I grew older, people seemed to stop using that phrase. I guess it didn’t seem polite.

I recently started considering the expression; I wondered how it had gotten into our culture and what its purpose was. I can’t say for certain, but I suspect a wise person started using it as a way to get people to stop and think. As a result of my ruminations, I’ve totally changed my mind about the expression. Now, “So what?” is a very helpful friend.

Let me explain. I believe the original expression was longer; “so what” may be a shortened version of “so what meaning do you attach to what happened” or “so what does that mean to you?” There are two situations where this question can have a real impact. The first is when something upsets you; the second is when you see something you want but it’s out of reach.

There are plenty of things that upset us: traffic, rude people, uncontrollable events. Instead of getting upset when something unpleasant occurs, ask yourself, so what meaning do I attach to what happened?

When something bothers us, it’s often because we believe the event says something about us. When we encounter rude people, we think their behavior means we’re weak or unimportant. When a friend or relative doesn’t recognize our needs, we might decide that they don’t love us or are unconcerned for our feelings. But the truth is, we often put far too much emphasis on these encounters; they’re usually indicative of something going on with the other person and have no bearing on us.

What about the second situation? When we fantasize about something we’d like to have, we often attach meaning to it. For instance, you might want a new sports car because you believe driving that car will get you more respect. This pattern is very common: we believe some external object or achievement will make us a better person or erase some perceived shortcoming. This kind of thinking drives a lot of the materialistic behavior we see today, but it’s an illusion; if you aren’t happy with yourself before you obtain something, getting it won’t change that fact.

When you run into one of these situations, ask yourself “So what?” If you ask the question and really consider the answer, you’ll probably uncover some beliefs that have gone unexamined for a very long time. Really think about the question as it applies to that situation. What meaning have you attached to the incident that upset you? What beliefs about yourself have you connected to your dream desires?

Once you’ve identified the idea you associate with the situation, ask yourself if it’s really true. I suspect you’ll find that you’ve been assigning meanings that have no basis in fact. Personally, I discovered that a lot of the ideas I attached to negative events and to fantasy scenarios simply weren’t true. That realization was slow to take hold, but it allowed me to let go of a lot of beliefs that weren’t helping me.

Learn to ask yourself “So What?” and challenge whatever answer you uncover. In doing so, you’ll begin to change some long held beliefs and free yourself from limiting ideas.

Things themselves do not hurt or hinder us. It is our attitudes and reactions that give us trouble.
Epictetus
55 135 A.D.

Copyright © 2013 John Chancellor